Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.