I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you鈥檙e having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone鈥檚 telling their parents they鈥檙e a life coach
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I just bought one share of stock. I鈥檓 a finance bro now.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I have never related to anyone more.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 馃槶馃ズ馃グ (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 馃槀
Gosh I love her sooo much 鈥硷笍
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom鈥檚 purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don鈥檛 make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction