Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
A bold strategy
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.