“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“I’m helping” 😅
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….