My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Reporter: *ports again*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.