*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.