What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
A friend sent me this.