Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir