Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.