Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
😜