CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
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Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“Miss me yet?” – 2019