Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Need WebMD
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.