My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
TODAY
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.