Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
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I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
this has to be peak English
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”