I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.