Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.