So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere