The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.