I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
A French press is when you hug naked
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I saw this ending much differently.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂