Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
the Monday after daylight savings
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.