[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.