Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work