Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.