waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.