Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Oh my god
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me