Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.