Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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What a kind woman! 😂😂
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager