If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.