It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.