You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS