me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
just pretend nothing happened
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
You wish you had this many chins.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE