Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Every photo I’m tagged in
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut