If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they鈥檒l take ours
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I鈥檓 wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
馃惀馃悾
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I鈥檓 wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 馃檪
kidnapper: if u don鈥檛 eat this salad we鈥檒l kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found