temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Whisper out to librarians!
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.