93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Yeah. This was me today.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.