nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
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Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.