respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww