*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣