Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
You Might Also Like
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.