I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”