[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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You’ll be OK
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Scream sneezers need love too.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!