When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.