me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Y’all ready for this
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’ll be mad as hell!
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on