With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.