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“What movie?” 🤔
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Well, that should do it
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam