WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
こいつ天才
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes