Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
pictures of spider-man
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.