My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
New favorite tiktok
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Happy weekend !
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human