Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You Might Also Like
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”