It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
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Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”